In my last post it seemed that I rambled on a bit more than I anticipated about my younger years (elementary and middle school), however a lot of things that happened which seemed to make a large impact in my life occurred during high school; so that is what I would like to discuss today.
High school was difficult for me; I faced some average obstacles and some not so typical. Most of the events that occurred didn’t have a large impact on my overall life but two in particular did. One of those two events I will discuss the other I will not due to the fact that this tragedy involves the life of one of my sisters and her two children. Though I am not going to go into detail about this event I would like to use the tragedy as outlet to get the word out about suicide prevention. Following is a link to learn more about suicide, suicide prevention, and how to get involved.
Now that we have touched on suicide I would like to discuss the one major event that happened directly to me that changed my life forever.
Freshman year came and went I had a few altercations and was involved with sports so a pretty normal first year of high school, however sophomore year was different. I still dealt with my kidney issues but had become so accustomed to those that it was just another day. One day though I had to go see an endocrinologist because I had not been developing like other girls my age.
While visiting the endocrinologist (Dr.Marshall) was her name, I found out that I had ovarian failure. This basically meant that I would not be able to have kids and explained my lack of development. Come to find out that the chemo therapy I received during my initial kidney diagnoses was to blame. This news hit me hard at first; I always pictured myself as a mom. Seeing as how I was only 15 or so at the time and motherhood was way in my future I moved on pretty quick from the situation, however as time went on and continues to go on it is something I struggle with daily.
My Niece and Nephews
I always thought about how I could adopt and that is a great option but as I watched all of my sisters marry and have children it becomes harder for me to consider adoption as an option not to mention how much more difficult it will be for me to find a partner who is willing to consider adoption. This event has made me try to trick myself into thinking that I do not want kids and that I want to focus on me; though deep down I know it isn’t true. So this particular event has shaped me in a great way especially since this was a life altering diagnoses. I know or at least think I know I need to have children in my future but then I think of how all of my close friends and family have children of their own and I fear that adoption may not seem the same as being a mother to my own child.